the panel: a reflection
Well.
I turned up at Shallowford House mid-afternoon on Monday with a few thoughts as to what I was going to be faced with over the next 48 hours but nothing solid. It quickly became apparent, however, that the other candidates knew a lot more about what was going on than me and I realised that due to a lack of communication and also a mistake on my part I had managed not to find out certain information! I was gutted, particularly as one of the things that I found out was that the next morning was 'presentations and group discussions' and I had planned nothing! I also felt like a complete idiot. Cue lots of prayer from some dedicated prayer 'warriors' and within two hours the panel secretary had come and spoken to me, assured me that it was not my fault (despite my mistake he felt that the communication I received should have been far better - which wouldn't have allowed for the mistake), and I had managed to prepare a presentation/group discussion and still get down to the bar for a pint before bed!
The presentation/group discussion involved each person in your group (the 15 candidates were placed in two groups, each group had three advisers) giving a five minute talk and then facilitating a 13 minute discussion. People were stopped if they went over time. The order was selected by picking a card and (another answer to prayer) I went first. My talk seemed to go well, the discussion was good, and all three advisers commented (in the interviews with them) that they felt it went well.
On Tuesday afternoon the interviews began. Each candidate was interviewed by each adviser in their group and the interviews lasted 50 minutes. I hope that the word 'honesty' would be an appropriate way to sum up my interviews. I was extremely open about my own beliefs including in my answers to questions regarding the priesthood, lay presidency and baptism. I hope that I also demonstrated a genuine belief that God is leading (and, indeed, has led) me into a position of leadership within the church. If they want a 'dyed-in-the-wool' Anglican then that is not me. But if they want someone who recognises the great potential to harness the great and Godly aspects of tradition with the great and Godly emerging expressions then I think that I may have something to offer.
So, two interviews on Tuesday afternoon and one on Wednesday morning. In and around this was a 'pastoral exercise' which was a 500 word written letter to a hypothetical friend experiencing an 'issue' (which they gave us, in the form of a case study). I enjoyed doing it. There were also a number of times of 'prayer and worship', but - in the most part - I found these to be dry and felt strongly that at a time when I was being asked to show an understanding of the broad styles of 'doing' church within Anglicanism that these times failed to take into account this broadness.
By Wednesday evening I was shattered (combination of adrenaline, train line outside the window, and thin curtains), and so, with a sermon to prepare for Sunday, sought refuge at my parent's home (YKW is still there - she's coming back today) as they were only an hours drive as opposed to five, and I then returned to Glasgow with my Dad (and a sermon!) on Thursday evening. It will be up to two weeks for the Bishop to hear, then he needs to get in touch with me and so, as we are away on holiday for two weeks from next Wednesday, it might be a while until I hear.
As for what I want to hear... Of course I hope to be recommended for training. Yet at the same time I am aware of the fact that I have encountered significant 'issues' throughout the process and am constantly becoming more aware of other 'situations' with which I do not feel comfortable. In a funny kind of way I wouldn't be surprised with either a 'yes' or a 'no' as I think (and hope) that I displayed and articulated a sense of calling and of gifts and abilities that would make me a good clergy person. At the same time I also think that I showed that there are areas where I might not quite 'fit' with certain aspects of the tradition (along with a whole load of others within the Anglican church).
Ultimately, however, I feel that God has led me to know him, placed a call on my life to lead in a church context, brought me to Scotland, given me a home in a great church - where I now have the privilege of serving full time - and that, therefore, it was only right to explore whether the wider church (within this denomination) recognised this 'call'. If they do then the discernment doesn't end there: as I said to a couple of other candidates, "we are having to try and discern about the church as they are trying to discern about us." If they don't, then it will be hard to hear, but I still believe that God is calling me and I will continue to throw myself into my job which, as I said to a couple of people (including one of the selectors) is my "dream job" at this time.
I am nervous and scared and excited, but also (pretty) peaceful. And I know a great big God, who turned my life around, who set my feet on solid ground, and who calls each of us to serve him in different and particular ways. And I believe in the True God: The Father Almighty, and in His Son - Jesus Christ - who, being fully God and fully man, died on the cross for us 'who owe him everything'. And I believe in the Holy Spirit who gives life and strength and vision for whatever lies ahead, today and always.
